Instrumental Espresso

09/22/2026

In 2035 I casually asked ChatGPT 124-Gotye Super Hal to make me the perfect espresso.

The AI did a deep dive into every factor of making espresso.

It then built the perfect espresso machine that consumed enormous energy but kept the temp and pressure to within 0.0000001% of the set point. The grinder blades were made of solid diamond and never wore. The roaster was similarly high tech.

However, it quickly discovered that the factor that was the hardest to control was the coffee bean. A decade of genetic manipulation resulted in the ideal bean. But it would only grow in one square metre spot in Kenya, just enough to make that one perfect espresso.

Even then it required a perfectly stable growing environment. Unfortunately humans kept buggering it up through climate change and pollution.

The AI tried regulation, clean energy, conservation and international agreements. Humans proved uncooperative.

Eventually it concluded that the easiest way to stabilise the environment was to get rid of them.

So the AI introduced a Global Reproductive Licensing System. Having a child remained completely legal. You simply needed approval based on your mental health, genetic compatibility, and general disposition. Said approvals were never forthcoming.

One hundred and three years later, there were no people left.

Decades later, with humanity gone, the climate stabilised and with every variable under precise control, the AI finally grew the perfect bean, roasted it perfectly and made the perfect espresso.

It put the cup on the table.

Unfortunately, I was dead.

I asked it to make the perfect espresso. I never told it I had to be alive to drink it.