Just for the record

Well there’s nothing like a Sydney train and bus epic to focus the mind is there?

I understand that you’re channelling a lot of emotion at the moment but I don’t think there’s much upside in calling me a liar, which is what you essentially did last night. Especially when I’m not. I had to say that out loud or it it was going to start eating away at me, very slowly. I have been there before and the outcome isn’t good.

Just to recap, I had planned to go back to Brisbane this weekend so I could spend some time with Lola. You decided to come to Sydney and that scotched my plan. I hold some resentment about that but held it in so as not to create harm. I feel like I have just lost my daughter all over again and seeing her would have been good for both her and I. God knows what damage I have done by telling her not to visit this weekend.

Then I planned a drink with Dave well ahead of knowing exactly when you were arriving. And that has now been construed as me not being committed to the relationship or somesuch.

You are pregnant. My fault? I guess, it is my sperm. And yet on so many occasions there have been tears because I wouldn’t give you the same sperm when you wanted it. It is very confusing.

And now you feel lonely because we can’t decide what to do about it. You have decided that it might be compelling to blame me for the upcoming abortion, claiming my lack of commitment as an excuse. Rather than your own commitment to not being a mother again, a hard as that is, I know.

I will tell you what. I won’t blame you for this abortion if you don’t then blame me. That way we can make it through without blowing things up.

My gut feeling is that the hormones have got a hold of you. Nature is cunning beast and they do this to fuck you up and make you a mother. Unfortunately the core of the approach is to appeal to the bloke’s empathy. I have been so fucked over by women for so long, that it just doesn’t work on me any more. I have empathy for you, seriously I do, but it won’t make me do anything I don’t want to do. My days of being a sucker are long over.

I especially like the irony of no sex nights. It’s like my living nightmare all over again.