New Element Discovered

[Mike, I am sure this is what you meant me to do. Fortunately this is a private blog so please, no leaks!]

CSIRO scientists have actually discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

Most recent elements have actually been invented in heavy particle colliders but this one was found lurking in CSIRO’s own headquarters.

The new element in the superactinide series is Unfuckinglikelium (Ufl), formerly known by its temporary IUPAC name of Untribium.

The sole example has one chief neutron, 5 executive neutrons, 26 director neutrons and 318 junior management neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 350.

Brian Greene has commented that even if there are an infinite number of universes he would never have expected to see ‘an element this un-fucking-likely’. Hence the newly adopted name.

The 350 particles in the nucleus are collectively known as morons and are surrounded by vast quantities of scientist-like particles called peons that have no mass or energy (collectively, no gravitas), nor function and that cannot be detected except with ultrasonic screech detectors.

The chief neutron lies at the centre of the other 349 morons in the nucleus. These 349 morons are separately classed as ‘yes-men’ neutrons after the yellow colour of their traces on the monitor at the Large Haldron Collider (where Ufl has been tested for its physical, chemical and junket properties).

Since Unfuckinglikelium has no electrons or protons, it is mostly inert and therefore it too has no known practical use.

However it can be detected because (a) it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact, (b) it sheds peons at an alarming rate, and (c) it radiates high levels of disturbing radiation in the broadcast and wifi frequencies.

As an anti-catalyst in its atomic state, a single atom of Unfuckinglikelium can cause a reaction that normally takes less than a second to complete to take from four days to four years to complete.

Unfuckinglikelium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years.

It does not decay but instead regularly undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the executive neutrons and director neutrons exchange places.

Once in a while the chief neutron is replaced with another when (a) a suitable unwitting replacement is encountered via random diffusion, and (b) the peons have absorbed sufficient energy from the chief neutron via a tunneling process known as ‘white-anting’.

Whenever Unfuckinglikelium comes into contact with Governmentium it reacts to shed even more peons than usual in a process that is oddly also known as ‘reorganisation’. The number of morons remains constant and money is consumed in the exchange, but no other by-products are produced.

CSIRO Scientists have projected that in the year 2030, when the last peon is shed, that the sole Unfuckinglikelium atom will undergo spontaneous fission to form hundreds of atoms of Businessconsultium.