buddha.com

The office of Buddha is closed for an IT overhaul.

The database is being wiped and allowed to reincarnate as whatever the fuck it wants, possibly as an ad server for Redtube.

Buddha himself has retreated to the dunny with a Readers Digest which has an interesting lead story on miracles that stunned doctors.

The marketing team is holed up an off-site in Ubud considering the merits of a definitive tome.

The finance team are in California brokering a micro payment deal with PayPal.

And the strategy team have been sent to Sweden to negotiate options for a proposed co-branding campaign with Ikea.

Taking advantage of the absence of whiny Western Buddhists, solar panels are being installed on the roof of the Indian HQ in what looks like a haphazard pattern but which has been carefully arranged to prevent further leaks.

The grand plan is to relaunch after the Paris Accord with carbon credits guaranteed for certified practising adherents.

An app is being developed, Reincarbonate, so followers can track their progress up the food chain and into the next life.

And a plan for a new carbonated coconut water drink with the same name, sourced from the low hanging islands of Tuvalu, is being hatched under a licence deal with Pepsi.

An IPO is planned for 2020 with the capital raised to be used to mop a few other minor religions in an attempt to solidify fourth place in global market share.

The ultimate strategy is to attract the faithful of the fastest growing category of pseudo-religious faiths, materialism, before the three market-leading incumbents wake up to the flaws in their old-school legacy products and their total lack of R&D budgets.