Hate

She now hates me. Why?
Because I am not the ‘me’ she thought I was, and I have removed the ‘me’ from her presence entirely. This is very inconvenient and she depended upon and loved (well sometimes hated as well) a version of ‘me’ that was in her head. As well, for some reason it’s emotionally harder to be left than to do the leaving – this is probably due to a lack of emotional preparation and pride.

Who did she think I was?
She had an image of me that wasn’t really me, that’s what she had in her mind. What was in her mind I couldn’t say for sure but I would guess a doting husband that shared her mind space on all matters, often fucked up (a value judgement highlighting the differences) as they are.

Whose fault was that?
Well, everyone’s.

How did it occur?
Two unformed people editing themselves over the years to make everyday life less stressful.

Where did the stress come from?
A form of Pavlovian dog training where one spouse gets what they want but they aren’t very careful to be careful of what they want.

Why would they do such a thing?
Because this is what people do. They want something and they get it, much the same way that people keep eating that  sugar even as they get fatter and fatter. They get positive reinforcement of a kind that certain behaviours get results. And they get practised in these arts. 

So what happened?
I started thinking and questioning and then the dissonance between the morphing me and the edited me got too great.

But couldn’t you have tried to bring her along this journey of change?
I did but she not only resisted the journey, she denied it’s very existence and condemned it’s basic principles.

What was so bad about the journey?
All I have ever wanted was to understand myself and the world around me. I know I am heading in the right direction because as I travel I feel more and more at peace within myself. I guess the questioning that is required to begin and commute on this journey leads to some very uncomfortable personal reflections; many baulk at this, even subconsciously.

So now you have left and she thinks you are a pathological so-and-so and will learn to hate you?
Yes.

How does that make you feel?
Terrible. I was either brought up to, or am congenitally designed to empathetically feel the pain in others that I cause. In an earlier version of me I have therefore avidly avoided causing pain in others. Having said that, I now know that pain that is deferred is pain multiplied. And also, that without pain there is no gain. And finally, that pain must be felt, whether that is mine or that of others; it is the price of love and freedom.

What can you do now?
Nothing. I have changed my path and made my choices. There is nothing I can do other than feel her pain, draw it into me and blow it back out. She now has to wear it herself after I am done with it. 

If you could advise her?
I would not. It’s time she faces her own reality. She cannot continue to blame the world and others for the predicament that she finds herself in. That is hiding, hiding, hiding. A path to nowhere, which is exactly what she has achieved with my complicitness. I have done her no favours by waiting so long.

And is that all?
Yes, anything else is Hollywood sentiment of very little value and no authenticity.