Lies

My daughter is emotionally honest with herself and with others. She feels that lies are awful things that hang around like bad smells – she likes opening the window upon them.

But as she enters her teens she certainly is learning to exercise her right to withhold thoughts, feelings and information. She says this is because, for example, ‘you won’t understand’.

But in truth I think it’s because she isn’t sure what is true and what is not, with respect to certain thoughts and feelings.

And right there is the problem for the truth merchants.

Beliefs and feelings – these aren’t truths, they are our responses to the world and they are inherently flawed and often untrue, or at the very least, not someone else’s truth.

I have said to Lola that she might contemplate this set of rules that are almost true for me:

1. Don’t lie outright if you can avoid it

2. Lying by omission is equivalent to lying outright, whether you like it or not

3. Do not feel compelled to tell the truth; there is none. But share your beliefs and feelings with the people you love; don’t keep them to yourself.

4. Be very, very careful with people’s feelings – both the ‘truth’ and lies can hurt them – but protecting them from these feelings of hurt can hurt you more in the long run, and then everyone suffers.

5. People need to be made very comfortable with you in order to share their beliefs and feelings with you. If you want the ‘truth’ from the people around you then you have to actively show them that you are worthy and that you won’t ‘punish’ them for it. In this, the ‘once bitten, twice shy’ problem dominates – you have to practise great consistency and discipline.

And right there is an outline of some rules that could make every relationship just that much better. Thanks go to a certain friend of mine who helped me see these truths.